Wednesday, November 28, 2012

All 3 Year Olds Are Assholes, Right?

It’s not just my child who’s particularly “blessed”?
Mace in all his "Crazy Hair Day" glory. He probably threw that rice at me afterwards and demanded I get back in the kitchen.

I kid, I kid … sort of.

Ok, not at all. I’m being deadly serious.

There is an exceptionally bitchy, exceptionally hormonal 12-year-old girl with some serious attitude trapped inside the body of my 3-year-old son (I call her “Britney”. It’s Britney, bitch!). Lil’ Britney shows up randomly throughout the day, copin’ ‘tude, rolling eyes, huffing and puffing at any and all requests. She'll scream “Why don’t you just SHUT UP!!” when I’m telling her (for the fifth time, I might add) that no, she may not have a cookie 5 minutes before dinner starts. Denials of requests result in such positive feedback as “YOU are making me VERY ANGRY, mom! Now you do what I say!”, and she can go from happy and chillin’ to weepy and emotional in a matter of seconds, with no apparent cause.

In milder moments Mason's told me to “stop singing because I don’t like the way you sound, mom”, and that he’s “irritated” with me because I won’t let him stay up late to watch Spiderman. Well, guess what sweetheart … if you’re “irritated” with mommy, chances are mommy’s doing everything in her power not to throttle you right now, too.  

Out of frustration, two days ago I posted the same title of this post as a new thread on a mommy forum I follow (whoah, slow down with the run-on sentences Andra. Jeezus), and the results have been nearly-unanimous:


3 year olds are assholes.

And if yours isn’t, then apparently he-or-she will voraciously make up for it at 4. So good luck with that. 

Other moms wrote responses that literally had me crying with laughter (and commiseration), detailing slammed doors, bitchy attitudes, random punches to the face and my favourite, a little one who started the morning off by opening his bedroom door, sobbing, and yelling “I DON’T LIKE MY FAMILY!”.

To a silent, just-formerly-sleeping house.

So yeah … no situational involvement on that one. That was all 3-year-old.


The thing is, there are points in the day when I’m just in awe of my child. He will do something, or say something, or respond to a situation in such a way that I think, Wow. I actually created this amazing little creature! And I will be floored, and overcome with emotion. His humour, his random acts of kindness, the way he treats his sister … sometimes I’m just like, You’re welcome, world. Jamie and I’ve done a great job with this kid, and we’re going to send him your way in about 15 years. I’ll pat myself on the back and, holding back tears, give him an emotional hug for a job well done.

To which he'll reply “Arrrgh! Mommm! Get offfff me! I’m tryin’ to watch my show!”.

And with that bitch-slap-in-the-face back to reality, we go about our day.

So tell me … how’s life with your 3-year-old?


  1. Oh man. My three year old, now five, was a gentle old soul. But when he turned four?!? It was like living with a scary, unpredictable alcoholic!
    Be warned, the fcking fours!
    And, apparently, little boys have a testosterone surge between four and five...but, come on, having a logical explanation does little to quell the desire to post them on kijiji!

  2. Thanks for making me laugh every single post!

  3. I am greatful to hear that my 3 year old boy is not the only one with major attitude. He goes from a loving sweet boy to a little s**t who is talking back and spitting at me. Yeah not sure where he picked up that great habbit. I was beginning to think I was the only one who had to give myself a time out before I snapped his little head off. Lol. Not really, but you know what I mean. I thought 2 was bad but 3? Holy crap. I really hope 4 is better. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel much better.


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