I Literally Have A Lazy Ass

A number of you have emailed asking how the Couch to 5k running program that I began in May was going. To put it briefly: it went great, and then my body fell apart like a decrepit old woman.

After dutifully following (and loving!) the program I entered my first 5km race in July, ignoring the slight twinges I’d been having every now and then in my right hip. At the 2.5 km mark the slight twinges turned into full-on, hurt-like-a-nasty-bitch-seeking-revenge pain and I knew I was done. I crossed the finish line just under 32 minutes later using a combination of walking/limping for the last-half of the course, and spent the next two weeks hobbling around, barely able to walk let alone jog. 

Since that race day back in July my hip has only gotten worse. Obviously I haven’t been running since then, but even walking extended distances now puts me to limping afterwards. Which sucks.

I guess, to be fair, its given me a nice sense of camaraderie with elderly women using walkers at the mall. I’m all “OMG, is that the Nimbus 2000? I’m soooo jealous! Rock it, sista’, rock it!”. But then they never let me sit with them in the food court, and I get all embarrassed and have to limp my way off into the sunset, pretending that I never actually wanted to join them, anyways. Whores. 

The point of this story is that a few weeks ago I finally decided to see a physiotherapist about my hip. She was super-nice, had me do a few moves in front of her and then walk from one side of the room to the other. Less than 10 minutes after entering her office, she had a diagnosis.

“You don’t engage your glutes when moving your legs” she stated.

"I’m sorry … what?” I asked.

"You should use your glutes to help move your legs, but you use every other muscle group first and only engage the glutes at the very end. That’s what's causing your hip pain. They’re doing more work than they’re supposed to, and its slightly rotated them outwards.”

"Oh. Uh … ok” I replied, absorbing this new information. “So, basically I’ve got a lazy ass? I’ve literally got Lazy Ass Syndrome?”. Holy shit, I thought. All my gym teachers were right.

A small smile crossed her face. “Well, lets just call it “Biomechanics”. Your body was born this way, and we’re going to teach it to move differently so you can run and exercise again. Ok?”

"Wonderful” I replied, all the while thinking Fuck. Jamie’s going to die laughing when he hears this. His wife has just been told by a professional that she has a lazy ass. That’s going to go over great at poker night. Hardy har har.

As expected, Jamie was less than sympathetic about my diagnosis. And Mason’s been thoroughly confused by the stretching exercises I have to do every day. But you know what? This lazy ass wants to get back to running and moving and living without hip pain so I’m doing my best to fix things, and have fingers crossed that it gets better. 

Its one thing to be called a lazy ass. But to literally have a lazy ass? That’s the kind of thing that could only happen to me.

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