50 Shades of Ave

We have a sadist in our house.

A hard-core, loves-giving-pain-and-would-probably-enjoy-her-own-torture-room-a-la-Christian-Grey sadist.

Stumped? Here’s a hint:

And her preferred torture instrument?

That’s right y’all. 

The littlest in our family, the one who should be protected and coddled and kept safe from harm … is a biter. And has been for some time. Even before she cut her first tooth (at 4.5 months. Like, who does that?) she was a flesh-chomper, and given that she’s been exclusively breastfed since born I’ll give you one guess what her favourite teething item is.

Give up? It rhymes with “schmipples”. 

And let me tell you, nothing in this sweet, sweet world is so painful as having your schmipple clamped down upon by 8 vicious knife-edged baby teeth. This, coming from a woman who’s delivered a baby drug-free (not by choice, I should add). And who’s stepped on a lot of lego. And lives with a guy who thinks he’s the next great rapper.

So I’m kind of an expert on pain.

And when she holds onto my schmipple with her tiny Henkel-teeth, and I have to wedge a finger into her mouth to extract my womanhood like she’s some damned dog playing tug-o-war with a chew toy … I’m not gonna lie, I kinda wanna head-butt her. Hard.

Even worse? If I scream out in pain she smiles. She smiles, and then clenches her jaw tighter like its a goddamned game. 

As I said … sadist.

Jesus, Ave ... the bunny? Is nothing safe?

"But Andra,” you say “if she causes you so much pain, why haven’t you switched from breastfeeding to a bottle?”.

Well guess what, peeps? She’s also a bottle and sippy cup refuser.

Awesome! Really won the lottery there!

However, all that is changing. We’ve forcibly dropped 2 of her 4 feeds, and just keep offering a straw cup with formula at those times. And on occasion, she’ll take it. But only from me.

Well-played, Ave. Well-played.

This weekend will be the Big Drop: the morning feed. And knowing my daughter, she’s gonna be p.i.s.s.e.d. 

But we’re going to hold strong and not give in.

Pray for us.

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