Sunday, October 28, 2012

5 Mommy Looks Scarier Than Any Halloween Costume

With Halloween only a few days away, costume selections are getting scarce and time is running out. Whatever shall I be? you wonder as you peruse the racks at Value Village. I don’t have time to put together an outfit.

Well never fear, Domestic Project-ians mommies! If you’re one of the lucky few mentioned below, you just may be in a stage of your life when your everyday look rivals any Halloween costume on the market. Lucky you! 

Insulted? Don’t be. Every mother has worn all the following “looks” at one point or another. May I present:
1. Final-Days-of-Pregnancy-Good-Lord-What-Happened-To-You? Mommy
Hear me now. Every pregnancy, regardless of how easy or hard it was or how cute or not-cute the woman looked, winds up the same way those last few weeks: Mommy-to-be suddenly bloats like a puffer fish scaring off predators, with everything from her feet to her once-chiseled jawline disappearing under a mass of rapidly-expanding flesh. Add minimal sleep, waddling gait, weird pigmentation and copius amounts of body fluids exiting from all orifices to really up the “wow” factor. And yes, that’s right. I went there. Body fluids from all orifices. Think about it. And then don’t get back to me.

2. Delivery Room Mommy
Going into the delivery room is like going to your first college party. You start off nervous but excited, in full control of yourself and wary of showing too much skin. Twelve hours later you’re naked and spread-eagled to strangers, wondering who the guy is between your legs and hoping that’s not the smell of poop.Frizzed hair, sweaty face and breath that smells like the inside of a garbage truck only serve to complete the picture. Beautiful.  

3. One Week Post-Partum Mommy
A week after the birth of her baby mommy’s beautiful “pregnant glow” has morphed into mommy’s “hormonal crash and night sweats” combined with mommy’s “floppy, still-bloated-just-shoot-me-now tummy skin” and mommy’s “no-I-don’t-work-at-Hooters-but-my-boobs-think-we-do breasts”. Walking gingerly thanks to swollen nether regions and her first bowel movement, she stumbles down the hall like a zombie, squirt bottle in one hand and frozen brick/pad in the other. Not a spec of makeup nor the cleansing of a shower has touched her body in seven days, and the only thing she has to look forward to is the comfortable embrace of her hospital-issue mesh panties. Ahhhhh. Mesh panties.  

4. Three AM Feeding Mommy
This is not the mommy you want to run into down a dark alley at night. Bitter and angry about being woken up for the fourth time in six hours while “dear husband” pretends to sleep, she wears a pillow-creased face, squinted eyes and a scowl. Her faded robe is stained with two circles of dried breastmilk, while her back and hair sport streaks of baby vomit. Far from the quiet image of a mother cradling her infant by a moonlit window that she envisioned months ago, she

5. I’ve-Given-Up Mommy
With the newfound motto of “Meh. Whatever"”, this mommy may be the scariest of them all. High-waisted jeans, ponytailed hair, slip-on Sketchers and a Dora the Explorer bandaid … this woman epitomizes the impact that children can have on your life. No longer the vivacious and spunky 20-something of years yore, she now finds herself shuffling along behind her kids in their name-brand clothes, losing arguments to 2 year olds and hauling 5 lb. purses filled with snacks, wipes, toys and crumbs. Is her dignity in there? Not that we can see.

I'll give you one guess which one I'm going as this year.*sigh*

Have any others to add to the list? I’d love to hear ‘em!


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